Oozing heart

They say people always remember their first love. I do too, though not romantically. Call it love or a crush because we were kids back then but I did feel something. And when the time came for my family to migrate, she was amongst the  most precious things I left behind. It did not end there because as soon as I got a chance I kept coming back visiting my old neighborhood only to catch a glimpse of her. I could not let the memories I've had with her die a suicidal death.

We grew up and the hitch in communication back then was responsible for missing information of her wedding. We remained friends, even after her divorce. But the day I found out she was trapping me with another man's pregnancy, was when my heart changed on her. Back then I didn't know what a heartbreak is neither how it felt. Only a little disappointment. I have been trapped before, but lucky me, I am a man of God. I hear she remarried and moved to London. Now you know why I remember her, while I got no love for her.

Every pretty girl in school back then was mine, but they did not know it. And when the time came for us not to see one another regularly, it was a feeling of disappointment or missing or whatever. But not heartbreak as I know it. Those were rainbow days. You could love and love and care not for your heart however it will turn out in the end. childish and foolish.

The first girl I loved in my adulthood, is a story to be locked in my vault. My friends say it was an obsession. I have a feeling if I go deeper to describe these experiences, it will make them more interesting. But pardon me, I have to mind the privacy of my subjects. Too bad this love ended before it started.

Second love knocked on my door. I was flattered. I felt special. I felt good. I was all over myself. But I lacked experience of what people do and say when they are in love. I fell for this gorgeous lady with all my heart. I wont go into details of the romantic escapades and love letters we shared but the love didn't have a life. She broke up with me. This was my first ever heartache. All the apology letters I sent bounced on a wall. I couldn't think clearly. My heart was paining. Real pain that felt horrible. That was the time Professor Jay released his song “Nikusaidiaje” and my cousin played it again and again while looking at me with a pity face. I remained in my bed for days. And when I decided to take a long walk, the pain increased the more I went further from home. I returned back after a kilometer. A week had passed and I still felt mashed. I even thought this pain would stay forever. I remember complaining to my cousin until tears dripped from my eyes. She tried to console by telling me that the girl does not love me. Had she, then she wouldn't have broken it with me.

Tears have got magic. A man would persevere pain by any means possible which will take a long time, not knowing that all he could do to send the pain away was cry. Anyway, men are not tears people. I had to resolve never to love again. Furthermore, there was no other girl out there who could be as beautiful as her, I believed.

Love can be a trap. As much as I resorted to flirting with no feelings after that, I fell for another one. I did not seduce her, she threw herself at me. And I couldn't resist. It was love again and romance and happiness. I tried every way to impress her each day. And she did love me too, but I don't know how? Maybe she was one of those who believed in open relationships. She didn't want me to read her sms on her phone. I lost my job and romance decreased. And when I broke it off, she received it with both hands. Time for a second heartbreak. The gauge started rising. And without regarding the evils I had seen, I ran back to her hoping to mend it. I pleaded with her like a rained on chick begging for a shade. It was the heartache that I was scared of. I remembered the first time and I didn't want to experience it again. But my efforts ended up on a pit. It's silly that one would go to the extent of wishing bad things to happen to them so that they come back running to you. But later life taught me that they are not worthy of you if its circumstances that brought them back. It was a long time after that that I realized lessons from this. Trust is earned. You don't just trust someone because you love them. That is forcing it. And the second was, if she doesn't want you, she just doesn't.

Again, I made a resolution never to love again. A friend who was a medical student came to console me. I don't know how I fell for her but it was at a time that I had fallen for another medical student. Both overseas. Maybe I was evil, maybe I was sowing wild oats, but I reasoned and brought objective arguments to myself and decided when one goes, I'll remain with the other. Too bad, they all slipped away from my hand.

A time comes when you feel guilty for wasting somebody else's time. If you don't see a future with them, why hold them? That's when you take a honorable step. You let the blame fall on you, but you make sure you don't lock them to you who has no intention of building a future with them. They will hate you, but you have done them justice, a big favor. You cannot force love. This was the time I learnt that it doesn't matter whether you are breaking a heart or its yours being broken. You will feel it. I felt it. Much of what I felt was guilt. I even lost control of my truck on the road while driving. but I couldn't go back to repair things out of pity. When I think of that time, I wished it worked out with the other Doc. She was cute. But a small misunderstanding led her to break it off with me. Out of my innocence, i didn't get a heartache out of this one. Another resolution had to be made. Never break it off until you get laid.

I was lonely again. Back to the dating arena. I'm not proud of this but I'll say this was the time I went wild on breaking hearts. I called it playing the field. Living life. And this time I promised myself that I will not engage my heart in the games. For those reading this and are from that era, I'm publicly saying sorry to them. I apologize. I hate it being the cause of pain to another.

The heart disobeys. The heart forgets. And after taking a look at a shiny bait from another fisher-lady, I was caught. Its always a bad idea to jump into a relationship after a heartbreak but I did. She had also been heartbroken. And I found myself breaking all the rules of protecting my heart for her. Maybe the medicine for love is love, I thought. And I showed her love while she changed to a fake celebrity. I persevered public ridicule. I called it understanding when she showed disrespect. This was the time to love and never look back. I believed when you love someone, whatever bad habits they have, will eventually change. Love was not something to give up. I was crazy and i was wrong somehow. But it was as if she knew I was a person who feared heartbreaks. She threatened to leave me at her whim on when i disagreed with her wants. It got too ugly to a point I asked myself, who does she think she is? I could play along until when I have her to do the same things she does to me and watch how she will resent the feeling. All this came to pass. With a heart of patience that I got, I kept aside the bad memories. Kept aside revenge. And loved dearly. I had decided to love, but within the limits of my religion. And love was good. it felt good. Again I'm afraid I wont go into late night dirty details and the sweet words exchanged. But loving someone is never an insurance that they will love you back. No matter how much love you pour into someone, if they didn't love you and decided not to love you as much as you love them, it will remain that way. They wont change principally. For them, its settling.

This one too ended, and it took me two months of heavy thoughts. Runaway sleep that had to be lured by sitcoms to get. I remember the comedies “Just shoot me.” they really consoled my nights through that difficult time. My friend had to ask me what was wrong because I wasn't eating properly and seemed down most of the time. This was heavy. This might be the longest a heartache lasted on me considering the golden memories I shared with her, but no tear dropped down. You have to be worth it to deserve my tear.

This was the relationship that gave me the lesson of the millennium. Do not love who does not love you. Do not run back for healing your heartache. And what is wrong has to be set right before coming back together again. This time I promise myself I wont ignore the signs. I want to settle down but I don't want just to settle. Heartbreaks are part of life, and as I'm back to the flirting games, I'm also looking. Looking for those who will look at me with sincerity and respect and true love. I'm gonna screen them real good. Its my time to be on the receiving end.

Sometimes people ask themselves, what went wrong? Actually only one came back to ask me that question. And I have put that same question only to one too. She replied, “does it matter?” and I'm carrying this until now. Thank you Doc.