Apology denied!

The phrase “it will never happen again” has become more likable as an apology than “I'm sorry” nowadays. Both have the same purpose, apologizing after you wronged someone. Because the wrong one really doesn't want it done to him again.

A person wronged usually hurts inside, it could be a little hurt or big. But the fact that they don't like what you did to them is a proof that their hearts shrunk a bit. Since they care about you, through friendship or family ties or whatever reason, they are willing to forgive so that they don't loose their special relationship with you. But we must understand that its care and love that makes them want to forgive. They don't want to feel you are taking them for granted or disrespecting them. That's why they expect a good apology from you.

If its something simple, one can say “I'm sorry” and life goes on. The relationship goes on. But if it comes out that you didn't mean the apology, then the person wronged doesn't feel good. He feels wronged and fooled.

How do we know the person doesn't mean his/her apology? First, its in the manner in which its said. I'm sorry can be felt in the voice or seen on the face of the apologizing party while saying it, that they truly are sorry. Secondly, the mistaken part must believe that what they did was wrong. A person says “I'm sorry” and later returns to defend his action means that they don't believe they are mistaken or wronged you in the first place. it means the apology was Hippocratic. Thirdly, its when they keep repeating doing the same wrong to you. If they were really sorry, they wouldn't want to cause you the same harm they did before. They would have been careful and worked hard not to, to prove they care about your feelings.

Some people hide under the umbrella of “I'm just human, I make mistakes.” We are humans, that's true. And we do make mistakes. But there are accidental mistakes and intentional mistakes. A friend might be angry at some point and slap his friend hard, it happens. But usually, these are things we can control. We can decide not to slap another person. We can decide not to insult a friend. However, a caring person can forgive these intentional wrongs, but never when repeated again and again.

Others take the defense of “Take me as who I am.” Accepting people as who they are only means in the natural things that they cant change. If a person is short or tall, you cant ask them to adjust their height as a prerequisite to becoming your friend. If a friend is not strong then that's it. If they aren't good in Maths that's it, if they have a bad history, that's it, you cant change it. But angering people we are close to by constantly doing them wrong is not rubber-stamped as human nature. Only those who want to continue hurting others will take this defense. Such people feel unfairly treated when we let them meet the consequences to make them feel the hurt we feel. Anyway, hurting others is not natural and human. We can adjust this. If we care enough, we can change.

People talk of patience and willingness to forgive over and over again closing their eyes on the fact that patience has limits. Must the patient friend accept that you will repeat slapping him once every month and keep forgiving you? That's insane. How about a more sane solution to this? The reasonable solution is for the slapping person to stop it. This is just an example. The solution to our interpersonal frictions is for the mistaking person to admit his mistake, apologize and to not repeat. We can't say the solution to this is for the other party to keep forgiving. The problem will not have  solved since one party is dissatisfied and keeps hurting. Compromises do not exist in such situations, The wrong must stop.

There is no morally acceptable reason that allows one to continually wrong another, and enjoins the other to keep forgiving.